I’m a bipolar homeschool mom

Balance looks like what I described above. It’s the sum of the month, the year, the childhood, the life.

My oldest is nearly 6 years old, and I’ve always known I want to homeschool.

From the time he was two, I dabbled in some play-based learning from curriculums. I want to highlight that this is not necessary. My 4-year-old only does some worksheets now and then out of envy at older brother’s school time. He briefly does the work, draws dinosaurs on the back, and takes off to play.

The key here is that homeschooling has always seemed like the life I wanted.

A particularly rough manic episode starting in late February 2021, threatened to derail all of my goals. While I never stopped meeting my children’s needs, I did fall vastly short of where I wanted to be. I would pop my kids in front of the tv to try and write a memoir I was confident I could write in 3 days. Or I’d write paranoid theories page after page and save them as proof of my lucidity.

Towards the end of this episode, I had some insight. I can’t properly educate my kid like this.

He goes to school

In August 2021, he started kindergarten on a Thursday. I cried on Thursday.

I cried on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday.

My youngest and I waited in the pickup line for 2.5 to 3 hours a day, otherwise, my oldest would have been out of the house for 9 hours 5 days a week.

That Monday, my therapist talked me into homeschooling. She listened to my fears and dreams. We talked about facts, not emotions. We talked about strategies. After our call, I got to work constructing our Notice of Intent for the school district.

By some miracle, he had a cold on Tuesday and we began our brief deschooling process. I brought him home.

How I manage mood swings

Capitalize on hypomania

Unsurprisingly, my perfectionist tendencies and research sent me back into hypomania. I couldn’t think of anything else. I couldn’t sleep. I’d wake up at 2 or 3 am and find myself digging into our curriculum books at 9 pm.

“Either I’m really drained, or you’re drawing from an endless fountain of energy,” my husband paused. “Maybe you should take your [as needed antipsychotic].

This episode lasted weeks but was, for the most part, entirely productive. I used my time wisely and prepared as much as I could. Prep supplies. Print packets of worksheets for days when I can muster SOMETHING, but not much.

And it’s been helpful. Because there have been days when dragging my legs through the kitchen to assemble lunches of prepackaged snacks was as much as I could handle. There have been weeks where we’ve not left the house, and I’ve thanked the universe that our homeschool group was taking a holiday break.

But there have been weeks, like this week, where we knock out a math lesson, a few science videos, a language arts journal, and a reading lesson before 8:30 am.

Some days we do all of the above, plus art and two science experiments. Better make that volcano erupt twice, for good measure.

Give yourself grace in depressive episodes

During those depressive days, I don’t judge myself. While the episodes feel like they never end, I know they do. And while that doesn’t make me feel better, it does help me be at peace in regards to my kid's education.

I use to think that balance existed on a daily basis.

But it doesn’t.

Balance looks like what I described above. It’s the sum of the month, the year, the childhood, the life. Sometimes, we have hard times for a long span. Other times they’re short.

Those valleys are counteracted by beautiful hills or euphoric mountains.

So I do the chocolate-covered granola bars and the strawberry apple sauce cups. Because I know, one day, there will be banana and sunflower butter wraps with veggie trays.

I do the school-less weeks because I know we will delight in learning and exploration other weeks.

Take your meds, do your therapy, brush your teeth, wash your face

I set low-level goals for myself on the bad days. If all I manage is brushing my teeth and washing my face, that’s worth a pat on the back. The laundry can wait. The dishes can wait. My husband picks up the slack.

But these things fall by the wayside during mania too. I intentionally “forget meds”. Or I’m so busy and obsessive that basic hygiene doesn’t enter my mind until 5 pm.

I’m saying I don’t succeed in this area all of the time. Fail isn’t a great word, but I fail to meet my own standards more than I’d like.

But prioritizing these real (not commercialized) moments of self-care goes a long way.

I appreciate where we are today

Lastly, I know this may not last forever. I haven’t achieved stability, obviously. Since we’ve started homeschooling, I’ve experienced mania, hypomania, and major depression. I’m working on the medication side of things. I do keep weekly therapy appointments.

I know that homeschooling might not last forever. I hope I have a 17-year-old working through math problems and chasing his own passions at home and in the community.

But I know we have to take it day by day.

Today, we’re homeschooling.

Today, my children are here.

They might be in school a month from now. But for now, I’m living the life I saw for ourselves, even if bipolar disorder is complicating it.