Delusional Mania: A Journal

Trigger Warning — Self Harm and Ideation

A quick disclaimer. Below is not an accurate picture of my views. After weeks of sleeping 2–4 hours a night, I began to lose touch with reality a bit. Manic episodes are their own type of hell. Despite the minuscule amount of sleep, I tried to start a Master’s Program and, when I couldn’t start immediately, jumped to writing a book.

I then spent $3,200 on a credit card to buy a Macbook to write the book. And two new iPhones, just because. Sandwiched into all of this were self-harm and suicidal ideas.

What you’ll see below is what I wrote during the episode. I’m not doing any editing beyond some typo work.

It’s also worth noting that the Vraylar I mention is an atypical antipsychotic, a medication meant to prevent episodes such as this one.

I picked up my Vraylar, but I don’t think I can take it. I talked to my husband about the things in my head last night and he called me crazy. I’m going to try and write it all out clearly but I feel like my brain is jumping from topic to topic before I can fully think through anything.

First off, because I think everything else hinges on this, I don’t think I’m bipolar. And either does anyone else. No one has believed me at first. And I still don’t think they do. Except for maybe my husband. He’s taken hold of the whole thing. My therapist, my mom, my FRIEND. None of them believe it. And if I was really mentally ill, wouldn’t those closest to me realize something is up? HUSBAND buys into it now, but he didn’t at first.

I can’t kill myself. My husband, a mentally stable person, approves all of my purchases. This proves that I’m neither that impulsive, that bizarre, nor that self-destructive. If I was to lose control of myself, I can’t imagine that I would be able to stop myself from doing things that don’t feel safe or rational.

I’m quite confident that I could see a psychiatrist twice a month for a year and never be diagnosed, so long as I didn’t fill out the stupid papers. Who DOESN’T have episodes of feeling particularly confident, or spendy, or so fascinated with something that they stay up late at night? What makes mine clinical? I’m not ruining my life.

So that sort of leads me to, I don’t need these medicines. All they’re likely to do is crush my emotional range. And let’s say bipolar people have a range from -50 to 150. And normal people range from 0 to 100. If I take these drugs meant to smooth out swings, maybe I’ll only have a range of 20 to 80? Or even worse? I could just be flat. Never happy or sad. Dull, with no joy, no sex drive, and thinning hair. Not to even speak of the organ damage.

Which, of course, leads me to the idea that someone knows that bipolar disorder is a bunch of bullshit. Bipolar is almost always treated with several medications. The money in this industry is insane. Look at Vraylar, it was going to be $744 for 14 days. Insurance dropped it to $622. Then a MANUFACTURER card dropped it down to $0. They know they’re fucking people over. And this stupid card is only guaranteed to cover 2 months. Just long enough to convince people they need the shit before hiking the price back up. They know they’re price gouging with medications that might just be making us more sick for a short-term promise of level moods. Which isn’t even a promise, really. It’s all guesswork.

Is this just some sort of conspiracy to get people hooked on expensive medications that will ultimately make us sick? Would staying off our medications eventually lead to a level of insight and understanding that someone doesn’t want us to obtain? Perhaps we’re more capable than the average person to disrupt our current existence. Maybe we’re more able to peer beyond the veil and really perceive what’s beyond?

We know that people are pulling strings and making shit happen. I studied marketing and public relations. This isn’t new. Anyone who has taken a class like this knows that millions of dollars have been funneled into psychiatric research, and that information is used to manipulate us. Look at razors or tissues. The research on antidepressants is fuzzy, at best.

Some funky stuff has been happening. Like the walls looking funny, anthrax coming up multiple times, both Luke and I having weird eye things going on. Husband pointed out the eye stuff could be from his new car which just sort of further convinces me I shouldn’t keep taking the meds. The possible answers are almost endless. And there are so many possible answers that don’t require me to take multiple heavy-duty drugs.

How do we know that this world is real? I’ve peered into the veil and I’ve seen the inconsistencies. What if bipolar people are more capable of seeing and disrupting this fake work?

I recognize all of this might sound crazy. I know that I was recently very convinced I needed meds. But how do we know THAT wasn’t delusional? And, if my theory that there are intentional efforts to make bipolar people look crazy and in need of medication is correct, I can’t really express these things to anyone else. Of course, they’re going to think I need help and meds. Because they’ve been manipulated to believe that anyone who questions the norm is mentally ill. And some people who really seem stable think the same things.

Look at Friend. She’s convinced that the medical industry is bullshit despite being a seemingly sane person. She’s even stuck with that belief for years.

Part of me wants to express these things and have validation that I’m insane, which must mean I’m sane right? I would keep these things to myself if not, wouldn’t I?

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